Meditation

I dig it.

Admittedly, upon first reading, I felt an intimidation that I could not keep up (particularly with the journaling aspect - a wonderful tool); I do a daily quick-like mindfulness routine before and after yoga poses, so I guess that will do.

Further: but oooooohhhhhh I LOVE blabbing about theory. I like the fact that you are drawing our interactions back toward experience (I need constant self- and other-reminders about that throughout the day just so I don't sink in my own wandering thoughts and miss out on life), but I also don't want to lose the value of the ACT of discussing which is, I feel, in itself meditative despite its occasional frustrations. I also think the discussion of abstractions is compatible with your proposed bolstering of empirical/scientific efforts. I have actually noticed in the last week or so a feeling that my "faith" in my practice has been more like a picture frame than a plant (from the yoga sutras), and that definitely has bothered me. So, maintaining rigor, so to speak, by making it experiential/experimental would help me feel the novelty and excitement I once felt as a pure newbie (i.e. avoiding trying to hard, letting it happen the way it does with less expectation or - especially for me - not getting my panties in a wad if my expectations are shattered or not fulfilled).

I agree that journaling our thoughts immediately after will be helpful for conversation and will probably be motivating to continue routinely. I would suggest that we keep the journaling time to as close to the actual "meditating event" as possible or include a qualifier with the journal entry (ex. "This afternoon, after I have had time to process this morning's session, I noticed..."). I plan to treat the journal like a dream journal which should be initially written with little attention to grammar, very little editing, and openness to whatever is happening right then. It might also be worth noting any noises/distractions that are occurring during the meditation. I tend to have something happening in the house or room in which I am having my "time-in" (not ideal, but it is what it is right now). This obviously changes it a little, but those noises/distractions can also reveal a lot about how I am treating the time (anxiety level, frustration that it is not "working", seeing the distractions as just part of the immediate experience without judgment, etc.).

Good thoughts, man. No promises that I will be the most diligent, but I'll give it a whirl.

Go back to the loosening of the belt part

Glad you've jumped on this so quickly. I'll sit tonight.

partially initial excitement and partially happenstance that I have had the time in the last two days (I haven't been called in to work yet this morning)...

I sat for 30 minutes (with a timer) in my empty house and let my mind work how it was working. breath focus. stillness (not yet stirred up from the day). realized I need to befriend myself before I let myself go. lots of self-loathing, self-doubt, years of self-directed hate and untrustworthiness, no/little sense of self-reliance, shame, guilt, no self-faith... All these things built from early age and only recently being brought to light to look at and observe. like opening a box of my own keepsakes I've never seen before. must carefully examine before burning to know what I am allowing to dissipate. need to know that when i stand on my own shoulders to transcend my "self" of the world, I will not shrug and be unstable or unwilling. must be a self-partner and grow a mutual understanding that my self will soon be peripheral and a part of my past way of living (at least to the extent that I once lived and to the extent that I will want to leave that self to evaporate - I don't feel now like I should try to force myself to want to give up anything that the desire/drive to give up hasn't emerged on its own). noticed a feeling of shame even in this recognition that I am not "developed enough" "mature enough" "deep enough" "ready enough" for pure introspection... need work on that too, but this time it was easier - I am exactly where I need to be right Now.

back to breath

proceeded with a head to toe body scan of all muscles and bones and nerves. then to organs in body proper (interception) and visualized linkage from those parts of the body to the brain via spinal cord. particular attention to lungs and heart (placed my hands on stomach and chest to feel those things work - felt connection to them; loved them for working) then up to the brain. thought of some of the regions I know of the brain and how they integrate to become the stage on which my mind can self-develop and play itself out; how it turns back on itself and its stage to manipulate both.

back to breath

stomach occasionally disturbed by thoughts of "when will my timer go" "I wonder if my phone will ring for a job" "I should probably study today" etc. noticed the disturbance. directed attention to the disturbance. stopped the disturbance. felt like a mental cauterization of a bodily mishap. felt in control.

bend the spoke of attention back to the observer. the conscious observation in progress (the same that was examining my"self"). visualized words I was using to track my experience shatter and fall in front of my observing face (still literary, but felt like i was using metaphor of language to step above language much like using mind to transcend itself). blankness with subtle shades of soft color as my awareness was felt. like I was soaking in like sunlight, but still.

timer went

some small discomforts in posture throughout, but I shifted and managed. also, needed to loosen belt again (makes me wonder how many grumpy moods or anxiety-wrought afternoons have been brought about by a belt that has been wrenched too tight!). more thoughts during but can't remember.

1/20/16 7:15am
Motionlessness

After observing that forcing stillness creates movement I was blessed with a synchronicity from the Universe of confirmation that I had the right attitude. I saw a shape in the curtains of someone in celebration. The attitude: sit still, breath naturally, observe yourself passively. Now all that's left is to practice this skill. Not focused entirely on this attitude but it came and went and I tried to keep it in mind for the remainder of my sit. Did less than decent but still proud I've got a 'tude to focus on.


Side note: feelings of shame and regret bubbling up fairly hard this morning.

Other note: I'm keeping up with what I eat in a journal with the intention of losing weight. I also started walking this morning, 30 minutes.

Another note: I'm also keeping up with the magic practices I perform. I'm keeping track of dreams as well. I'm doing a meditation/magical training program from a book on magic I have. The program is in a few different parts. Here's the first three for meditation: motionlessness, breathing, not-thinking. I'm going to have to have success with losing weight if I'm to have any real success with breath control. I've observed this many times in my meditation sessions. I've had this book for years but never had the discipline to actually do it. Here goes! May luck be with me!

I love the cool curse in the curtains (symbols in the sheets?, blessings from the blinds?, destiny in the drapes?...)

I have dealt with lower back pain (probably due to being overweight) too. - I threw my back out IN MY SLEEP yesterday! Because of that, had to take it easy on yoga lately.

I always just lay still on the floor first (corpse pose) then I do some variation on the sun salutation, a hamstring-stretching/lunging routine, floor stretches and a head-stand-based cycle (working on that hand-stand!... no where close) Then... I lay on my back and chill. Trying to focus on strengthening arms, matching breath to movement, stretching legs and improving balance and concentration. Makes me feel great after. Tried to attach a good photo-visual, but it was too big.

Yeah, emotion (especially non-conscious ones) has been on my mind for the last couple of years. I have felt like a stunted idiot because of so many deficits in self-understanding and emotion-monitoring and -modulation have definitely been areas of growth.

Glad we have gotten busy on this - really good idea - I do expect a slight decline in activity (particularly on my end like when I work in crazy classes from 7:30-6), but let's ride it out.

Also, let me know how your plan with your book goes. Magic is still not quite up my alley, but I am curious how that influences you. Especially with meditation/self-regulation-type stuff (breathing, emotion regulation, etc)

On emotions, I was always afraid that if I shared how I truly felt I would hurt people's feelings or otherwise do or say something I couldn't undo. I'm hoping now that I can let some of that stuff ride but not give emotions power over my decision making skills. Just sort or air some of the stuff out. It's interesting to me to feel these things after bottling them up intentionally or unintentionally. It's nice to be getting this aspect of humanity back.

On difficultly of posting, I understand. I write the stuff down anyways and I'm just copying it here at work. 

Yes, magic is an interesting topic. One that I've been just drooling over. I love it so much! Magic is an alternative way to view and describe the universe.

An example:

If the universe is made of magic it just makes sense to do a spell to have your bus arrive on time the next morning. If the bus arrives on time, you could explain it away by saying the driver encountered light traffic. The fact remains you did a spell to have your bus arrive on time. You communicated your desire in magic. Science is not the only way to describe the world. It's not the only language. The term GRIMOIRE comes from the word grammar. Hence the use of the word 'spell'.

Wow, describing that helped to understand it more! Funny how that works.

5:50am about 10 minutes of light yoga

I wasn't going to record this, but i thought about it and had something to say.

purely physical exercise. no attempt to enter into any mindfulness state. just trying to "unfold" myself from the night's sleep. lower back still hurting. mind was absolutely identifying with the worries and anxieties of the morning routine (i knew i was late, the kids have been getting about an hour less sleep than they need to feel good during the day so they are hell to wake up this week, had to be at work a little earlier - kind of knew i would be late).

the stretches did help wake me up, improve mood and alleviate some back discomfort, but next time i'll just set a timer, press pause on the racing of mind and go into "la la land" until the timer goes off.

Also going to make more effort to get up at 5 like i used to to get a good 30-45 minutes in so i could sandwich yoga in between 10-15 of pure sitting still