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Post by Sindder Streg on Feb 17, 2016 15:46:39 GMT
7:50am 10 minute sit
Free form sit. Focused on exercise/yogic aspect of sitting. Good for posture, organs, breathing, etc.
___________________
Kind of been taking a break from hitting it hard. I've slipped with my diet/exercise since Thursday. Felt some of the old habits come back. I somewhat foresaw this when I was questioning if I was letting myself slip completely back to "ground zero" or just trying out some of the old habits. I think the latter. It's been mixed, pleasant and unpleasant. There is comfort in old habits, yet I'm not achieving my goals. It's amazing how hard I've worked to get as lazy, messed up, and weak as possible. I thought this was virtue? To coast through life? There is something to be said for it; but I think I have cognitive dissonance. The results of my habitual path don't line up with the reality of the external circumstances. I could have adjusted and lived according to circumstances, but that's not how the Fates have worked it out. I've seen my current system is broken. My magickal goals in no way require my old self. This is hard to accept but accept I must. I must distance myself from my old life ways and integrate into a new mode of being. This is going to be hard but I have to remain steadfast. Any advice? I don't know how I'm going to do this, save as a snake sheds it skin: a bit at a time.
An aspect of magick (as a path, religion, philosophy) is choosing your own way. There is strength and risk in choice. Choice is freedom and slavery. We become slaves to our free choice. This is liberating and perhaps the only emotional recourse is hysterical laughter! Wild eyed insanity! Going for it! Making it reality! Doing our will! Our True Will (a central aspect of Thelema) is not something showered down upon us from on high. This is not divine purpose, but divine purpose could be your True Will. This is merely choice. Free Will. An arguable concept, but in this case means not choosing your habitual, societal, ingrained self. Though, philosophically, maintaining this self could be your True Will. But why be a magickian if this if your choice?
Forewarned by the I Ching of the danger in my position. Waiting is advised. 'You do not overthrow this adversary by aggressive attack but by stealthily rebuting its attacks', paraphrased. This situation, if dealt with properly, results in a balanced position, yet ready to totter if provoked. The I Ching is a fascinating program of study and practice. It's the language of time and timing. Shi, 'the time', in Chinese. Another area I hope to excel in.
Prayers for moving forward, please!
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Post by Admin on Feb 17, 2016 19:41:04 GMT
Man, I feel for you - not that you are helpless or anything, I just know my own similar frustrations.
It seems ironic that I, being a therapist, am not sure I am great at giving advice - not any of the concise and actually helpful kind anyway. I would love to keep this line of discussion open for both our sakes, though. I agree that heedlessly hurling yourself toward what seems like the "right" way (making an "aggressive attack") would not be as beneficial as compassionately giving yourself time to continue growing in different ways (I hope that doesn't sound patronizing, like you need to 'grow up more' - I mean growth in the same way as I mean my own personal insight and development through the effort of living). Cliche, but patience IS a true virtue... radical acceptance - even accepting how hard it is to radically accept. I admit to feeling like when I started giving more to my practice of self-development, -discovery, -creation...etc, I would begin seeing living as easier and my-self as clearer... totally opposite some days/weeks. I oscillate between feeling total confidence in the balance of my knowing/not-knowing and just complete confusion, frustration, and the sense that I am BARELY EVEN AWAKE to what is there to experience through the manifestation of my daily living.
The advice I give myself is: don't go jumping off a bridge, just be here with all the frustration and know that it will eventually cease too - but maintain 'right effort' toward the development of 'effortless effort'. It will come, or something else will.
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Post by Sindder Streg on Feb 18, 2016 2:53:33 GMT
9:05pm 30 minute concentration meditation At first I thought I was concentrated- and I was but upon ' Remembering the Goal' Introspection I saw that I was calm but not clear. Then I really amped up my concentration and toward the end found myself very clear. There were moments in the middle where I was getting very angry. My cell was constantly buzzing with texts and Maddy was barking wildly. I kept calm and redoubled effort. Clarity is found in redifining your object to see it clearly (in imagination). Also toward the end I erected posture which aided in clarity. |
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Post by Sindder Streg on Feb 19, 2016 0:12:43 GMT
5pm 20 minute concentration meditation
Goal: stay in 1st jhana for 20 minutes
A bit ambitious but it's good to know where I stand. I'm proud to live in a loving universe where I can be shown proper meditation technique. I was guided to a resting pose where I could passively, with effort to not interfere, observe the breath. This is new to me and feels mindful- out of my own way. This is where I remained for the rest of the sit. The beginning of the sit I failed to 'catch' on pleasantness (a new technique I learned today and had initial success with) after going 'internal'- which I take to be a symptom of access concentration (way cursory). I could be way wrong, but intuitionally it sounds right.
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Post by Sindder Streg on Feb 19, 2016 2:46:11 GMT
Still debating whether the 5pm sit was a failure.
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Post by Admin on Feb 19, 2016 2:46:47 GMT
17 min sit this morning (10 min, pause to answer deas, continued 7 min)
Don't really remember all of it; remembered it 'hit the spot' though. felt it all day.
REALLY mindful today. worked in the severe autism classroom today (can be exhausting and trying) and felt pure joy being with them - sometimes had giddy laughter I couldn't contain when one did something I would normally find annoying or frustrating. Feeling today like I can see people as real and right there in front of me rather than filtering them through a lens that is unfair to them; a filter that sadly blocks out so much of the beautiful in others and leaves things for me to perceive that are colored by my own negative experiences (more accurately: my sub-optimal ways of dealing with experiences that are not good or bad until I interact with them). This happened with the students in the after-care program I work at as well as adults and my own kids. I felt more able to be empathic to Kim too - and she had a sort of shit day.
I think the sit was characterized by suspending judgement and allowing things to arise and pass away - mostly focused on breath concentration. I also did a body scan/interoception scan that has been shown to increase autonoetic consciousness and self-/other-compassion. Another cool result of mindfulness I will mention in the Nietzsche post.
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Post by Sindder Streg on Feb 19, 2016 13:20:20 GMT
Note about 5pm sit.
While I didn't stay with my goal I did learn something very valuable. I'm upset that I didn't achieve my will and actually gave up on it very quickly. It was an unrealistic goal and the non-effort I learned from it is invaluable. Letting the experience be, learning about the breath, letting it be. I still need to concentrate on the breath more and be clear.
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Post by Sindder Streg on Feb 19, 2016 13:21:24 GMT
11:20pm 30 minutes Zen meditation
I will fucking nail Zen meditation every time. It is my jam!
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Post by Sindder Streg on Feb 19, 2016 13:22:12 GMT
7am 30 minute concentration meditation
Goal: Cultivate a calm clear mind
Goal achieved. Realized a major difference in my Zen sitting and this concentration meditation. Sat the majority of the time without complete distraction. Just sat there with partial distraction, watching it. Clarified that too but was often dull. Would have taken more energy to get clear. I was "done" at a certain point, tired, figuring I had about 15 minutes left. I looked at the clock and 1:30 minutes were left. Wow, I was astounded. Excellent effort!
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Post by Admin on Feb 19, 2016 14:15:26 GMT
5:something am 10 min
nice, relaxing. not too deep, but relaxing. sort of hard to remember those early morning ones if i don't write it down right away
8:30 30 min
lots of thoughts (good, enjoyable and insightful thoughts; but thoughts); most of the time spent allowing thoughts, feelings, images, and sensations to arise and pass. did so pretty non-judgmentally attempting to be ok with not "getting there" right away; focus on releasing attachment to goals or expectations of the practice in general; attempt at present moment awareness and being rather than doing
did have a couple of moments during which i fell between these thoughts and felt an overflowing emptiness of content - attributing that to something closer to purer conscious awareness; when thoughts started back, I noticed (possibly because of the last post I wrote last night about Christ) that I view Christ as archetype-like in the same way I view that sort of mindful emptiness/conscious awareness - devoid of content; a pure process that gives shape and space to everything; empty the content, and you are left with the awareness of God through Christ: the thing that is. that is all thinking though, and the moments that meant the most were devoid of even those descriptions; just being; like i was diluted and disbursed in a simultaneously infinitesimal and infinite emptiness of conscious awareness; again, like I was between thoughts and "doing"; closer to God by allowing myself to get out of the way
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Post by Admin on Feb 19, 2016 14:29:51 GMT
I thought not to even try to describe the following in the last post, but it keeps coming up, so I will just point to it without much description...
I have a memory of a certain sensation-like notion washing over at various points in life. random times since I was a child; the feeling of "overflowing" that I alluded to in my last post; never thought of considering it an overflowing of empty conscious awareness, but it has been a giant mystery throughout most of my remembered life; like "what the hell was that?" right after I felt it and it passed; sort of like an "eye floaty" if you know what I mean: if I try to look at it, it vanishes or moves just out of sight again; I feel it with really bad fevers sometimes and now when I meditate occasionally during those moments between thoughts or when I am more fully present in the moment; when it is noticed, it is ULTIMATELY comforting; like I'm simultaneously being held and exploding with joy; overflowing - it is what I have assumed stuff like "my cup overfloweth" and "abundant life" mean
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Post by Sindder Streg on Feb 19, 2016 19:48:17 GMT
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Post by Yonkers McGeeeeeee on Feb 20, 2016 14:41:13 GMT
8:40 30 min sit
Thought I'd try backing away from even breath and start with 1)heightening sense of present moment awareness; and 2)finding the stillness and silence of the mind despite any/all sensations, thoughts, images, or feelings that arise - just observing them arise and pass on their own without my effort
Some difficulty until I found my "let go"; then I was just the passenger and the mind let all the SIFTs pass after they arose; little/no stress and much less of a sense of being overwhelmed by them/being cohesively attached to them
Felt good (but not rock solid) enough to move to breath. Found I could "clear" the mind enough to see just the breath. On-off concentration on it, but more consistent and deeper than before.
Ultimate focus on letting go/allowing it to happen (easy, less fist-clenching effort); and clearing mental space/remaining objective or non-attached to SIFTs while noticing them, i.e., not trying to block/get rid of them
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Post by PS on Feb 20, 2016 15:03:57 GMT
Another goal I didn't type was patience with my goals.
I don't have to "get anywhere" or "achieve"; just sit with the silent mind or the breath or whatever and allow it to happen - observing my'self' get out of the way (the self arose when I was 18 mos or so with the maturation of my hippocampus and increased ability to maintain a coherent sense of self across time among other things - that's why it's so hard to let it get out of the way). Self-compassion: "you're doing a great job" "you are right where you need to be, enjoy this now" "be, don't do"
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Post by Sindder Streg on Feb 21, 2016 4:46:59 GMT
11:05 pm 30 minute Zen & concentration sit
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